Back again!

OK, So i messed up again over the past few weeks but i figure i must get back on track - i was thinking about what causes me to keep ruining all my efforts.
This is what i came up with.

Number 1: I loose control when get stressed.
Number 2: I get stressed really easily
Number 3: My life is full of stressy situations
Number 4: I have absolutely no self confidence
Number 5: I am totally addicted to refined sugar

OK So what can i do about it?

Firstly, i know that i am not going to be able to reduce the stress in my life anytime soon. So i guess i need to find away to change the way i react to stress.
I am trying to run 6 lives - Mine, my 4 childrens and my husband's - All 4 of the children are experiencing medical problems which mean multiple hospital appointments, which i am forever  forgetting along with loads of other things.
Funny thing stress - it is very good at making you forget things that you were perfectly aware of a few hours before. Then i worry about forgetting what ever it is i  have forgotten, which stresses me out even more!
When i get stressed, i loose my self control.  and i crave food. I am not hungry, i just want to eat - but not stuff like fruit  - i crave stodge. Then once i have finished munching i feel bad for ruining my efforts which in turn make me feel like there is no point even trying.
So why do i crave food when i get stressed?  - i figure that the kind of foods i eat when i am cravings are high in refined sugar and that sugar gives me the happy feelings which help me to get over being stressed.
Therefore, i seriously need to wean myself off of refined sugar (not easily done!). And i also need to learn to react to all the  stressy situations in a different way.
If i can stay in control of my feelings  then i can stay in control of my diet and my health must improve.
So how do i begin to waen myself off this drug?
I have conquered caffine, removed all artificial sweeteners from my diet, controlled my fat intake and learnt how to cook dishes from scratch - no processed foods in this house. All i have left to control is sugar.

Everest is still winning !!

Well i keep getting nagged about updating this blog by a certain someone (you know who you are!) so i guess that is what i am doing. So if you do not want to read a few paragraphs from me moaning i recommend you stop reading right now, because i have nothing good to report.
I think i just have to accept that i am unable to stick to anything. Just the slightest bit of stress and i go off the rails.  I guess Everest will have to wait a bit longer!  I have to weigh myself tomorrow but i am not expecting it to be good news. Anyway i will start again (again!) and see if i can get any good results over the next week - time is going so fast it should be easy to be controlled with my eating, but it isn't. Food is taking over my life, i was trying to unimportantise food but counting points and/or calories is becoming  a continuous never ending obsession. 
I am spending so much time cooking healthy meals that i am letting other jobs fall by the wayside and now things in the house are out of control. I have no idea what is wrong with me, most people can run a family and  a home with great success but it seems to take me all my time, leaving very little time to do stuff for myself. Then it all gets on top of me and the healthy eating goes out of the window.
I think i must get tough and start running a tighter ship - i think it  maybe time to take the advise given to me by someone who has had many more years experience of living than myself. He thinks i need to be tougher on my family and get them to clear up their own mess and try to maintain the work i do. So i will try it - those kiddies will wish they had stayed at school! I will stay very calm but just make them understand that it is impossible for me to continuously sort things out for 6 people. And i dont care how long it takes - i have got to get some help or i wont be here to pick up after them anymore, then they will have to do it themselves! I really do have to get selfish if i am going to beat this.

Time to take charge!

Things have not gone exactly smoothly over the past few days - i wake up feeling positive and start out well. But by the end of the day i have messed up. So i have been doing some thinking. 

It is obious  to me that this is about more than what i eat! I know how to eat healthy, and i also know that if i do not improve my fitness level i will die sooner than i need to. So why the hell is it so hard to stick to healthy eating 24/7. After all, that is all there is to it, isn't it? 

So, After 3 years of educating myself about cooking healthy food for my family , I know how to eat well, the questions should be, why dont i? what stops me? Maybe if i identify  these triggers, that insist on sabocharging  my efforts, i might regain control.
I spend so much of my time and effort on preparing healthy foods. I do everything from scratch - nearly everything we eat starts off its life as a bunch of raw ingredients on my worktop.  I have taken everything right back to the simplest of forms to enable me to remove as many additives as possible from my families diet. I do all i can  not to buy anything that has been processed. IHowever , I have not managed to make salad cream or ketchup yet!!!
I do better when my life is organised. But nobody can be organised all the time, things go wrong and mess  things up. But it seems that for me things mess up all the time. The combination of 4 disorganised children and 1 disorganised husband messing my schedules up do not help.
A Dr told me once. that if i was ever to beat this i would need to become selfish - i thought this was an awful thing to say, but maybe he was right. I think it is time to get tough.
My Dr once told me that the only wat i was going to win this was to become selfish.

Success - at last!

Well its 10.30pm and i have been BRILLIANT today food wise. I still have 8 points remaining - and i am hungry, so i will have a drink with a snack before bed. All home made today so i plotted all the ingredients in each recipe, i feell pretty good about my efforts today.

 

Well that was a shock!

2 days ago i bought myself a new set of weight watchers scales with a weight limit of 400lb - so they should be able to cope with me! They have just arrived - very excited! These scales are sposed to measure your weight, your body fat, body water, BMI and your bone mass % -  I unpacked them hastily, keen to see how much good i had done over the last few weeks. I was 285lb the last time i weighed myself and i know i have not been perfect but i have put quite a lot of effort in to my diet over the last few weeks so i was expecting a small drop.

THE MOMENT OF TRUTH - I stepped on the scales and was rewarded with a great big 305lb !!!! omg either my old scales were wrong or i have increased by 20lb. I certainly dont feel 20lb heavier, so i think my other scales must be wrong. my other readings were also much higher than i expected

Weight                    305lb 

Body Fat                  48.3

Body Water             37.7

BMI                         50.8 

Bone Mass               6.91

This was not a good feeling. Oh well i  guess it is back to square one again! I still think i have lost weight but i guess i was heavier that i thought i was when i started this time.

Well it could have been worse!!!!

The film was great, the kids behaved and we even got good seats, BUT .....  i am afraid i gave in to the sweeties. I measured out the popcorn (as was suggested by someone a whole lot more sensible than I) and had exactly 33g but the sweets got the better of me. The good thing was that i had divided the sweets into small bags to share out before we went, so the number i could have was limited, but i feel all slugish now. Still i dont think i will want any more sweeties anytime soon! At least i resisted any chocolate, or pizza etc.

So Far So Good!

As it says, so far so good - today is much better and i am in control of myself, but i have a rotten headache. Bought myself a new pair of bathroom scales last night on e-bay. It was a bit of a struggle  as i got outbid a few times, but that was good, i ended up finding the same model of scales for less and free postage. Hopefully they will arrive by the weekend.. They are s'posed to be able to measure my BMI, body fat % and water % as well as my weight,   i hope they are not to rude to me when i get on them!   

Going to the cinema tonight to see Avatar with my family and a friend - really looking forward to it, but how do i avoid the popcorn??? I might just check out how bad popcorn is. Decided we are taking water with us to save on the fizzy drinks option.

Re-gaining my self control

Its now 10.30 pm and as i have said already, today i lost control of my eating. But i did cook a very good meal with 10 veg in it which made me feel a bit better. Tomorrow is another day, so i will start again.

Still Day One!

Technically as i started this late last night this is actually still Day One even thought it is tomorrow  now.  So far today has been a disaster - i have not failed with my attempts at regaining my health  as badly as i have today for a very long time. It all started very well -7am : I woke feeling pretty positive. 8.15am:Took my hubby to University,8.45am: took my boy to school, 9 :10 Went shopping (very healthy shopping! ) 9.30am: Took my little girl to the Dr.  and had a flu Jab myself  9.45: took my little girl back toschool all before 10am. With my toddler away with Grandma, i had the whole day to get the house organised and a healthy meal prepared before the usual taxi run! All was gong just fine - i even decided to try to do sme excercise in my front room. I admit i felt pretty stupid jogging on the spot and swinging my legs around in an uncoordinated attempt to get my heart rate up. The cats sat there and looked at me as if i was mad and just hoping that i would not fall on them. But it worked, i had managed to get my heart rate up and it felt very satisfing, it felt good i was proud of myself.

So why am i sittng here surrounded in empty chocolate bar wrappers and feeling out of control again?

A letter, thats why.

I recieved a stressful letter and as a result of the letter i  had a disagreable phone call leaving me feeling really stressed and anxious. Plus my  husband has decided to be awkward and is insisting on walking home fromn University instead of catching the bus. He knows how (at this time of year) it worries me. Its only about 3-4 miles but the weather is not good and he would be cold, hungry and very moody by the time he got in causing more stress.

That is all it took  - i just can not  cope with even the smallest amount of stress or anxiety with out starting to crumble.

Day One - Again!

From where I am at the moment things look pretty impossible. I have been trying to succeed in regaining my health and independence now for so many years. But in my heart I think I have given up believing that it will ever happen. Its the usual story - gradual increase in weight to gargantuan proportions and rapid decrease in quality of life. But I really want to prove myself wrong. I have a new life just over the horizon, just waiting for me but you know how hard it is to reach the horizon. But as was pointed out to me last night, if i give up, it definately won't happen. So self belief or not i will try again - I have to  - my kids need me ALIVE.